Back and Forward

I cheated.

I’m so tired. physically and mentally. Tired of these annoying customers, tired of my coworkers, of being broke, of making dumb mistakes when I had the resources to do better. It’s all on me, I know. I think I’m getting sick (physically). or maybe its just real bad allergies.

So I cheated. Just a little bit, but cheated nonetheless.

I’m trying not to be hard on myself, to just forgive and move on. But it lingers a little bit.

I honestly wish it just wasn’t in the house period. I wish he’d have just left it until we go see Katt Williams.

Oh well. Its Friday ūüôā


My First Yoni Egg


I finally tried out my yoni egg. I bought it a few weeks ago and ended up getting my period so of course I had to wait before give it a go.

I’ve got to say, its pretty awesome.

Many people think that it helps to tackle various issues that have occurred in ones life (depression, relationship trauma, sexual abuse, fertility issues, vaginal issues in general). I believe this as well, however I feel that the physical aspect of working with the egg helps lead to the psychological healing. Case in point….

When using the egg, you have to emphasize physically contracting but also¬†releasing¬†so that the egg is allowed to travel back down the vaginal canal. Personally in order to do this I have to actually breathe out, causing my entire body to relax and thus my mind. I’ve only been doing it for a day now, but I have already noticed how much much I clench and keep my vagina tight, never really allowing it to relax. Forcing myself to relax my lady in turn translates the same message all throughout our body, because it makes you release everrrything. So far, I’m loving whats happening.

For those new to it, its stated to first do research. Look at various eggs. Which one keeps presenting itself to you? Which one does your eye gravitate toward? For those in tune with crystals and their auras many have healing properties that deal with jealously, self love and the like. ¬†I know it sounds silly but honestly for whatever reason I kept seeing a rose quartz egg. So that’s what I ended up getting. Once you’ve chosen and received your egg you want to ensure you follow the cleaning directions thoroughly. Start with a breast massage around the nipples going clockwise (said to stimulate hormone release). Insert the egg with the larger part facing up (the smaller end usually has drill holes for floss, personally didn’t use them). I actually ended up putting the egg in upside down initially but once a realized this I simply squatted and pushed. Doing this was pretty awesome bc I personally had never really thought of myself having really control over my lady. Its a strange empowering feeling you get. Its awesomee.

**Word of advice to newbies: I’d start this off at home and only go for a few hours unless you know your lady is strong. I wore mine for about 3-4 hours maybe and once i took it out I could actually feel my vagina’s tiredness from holding and squeezing. I actually still have a little tired/sore feeling all throughout my lower abdomen and back. Its not excruciating or anything, but I feel it. When you think about it, it’s not that crazy. Your working out a muscle that probably hasn’t had this kinda of training her whole life. Also, I’ve read to start out with the larger one if your sexually active and relatively comfortable with your vagina. This is so you can actually feel the egg. I have the medium one, which I honestly can’t really feel until it gets lower (closer to opening). May be getting a larger one for my next purchase.

All in all, I’m so glad I bought this. Do your research, see what you come up with. It’s totally worth it.


Interracial woes…

So I recently read this article,¬†¬†that hits the subject of black women who are claimed to be consciously aware of themselves and black society but happened to fall in love with a white man. For those who don’t care to read the whole thing it pretty much talks about a young black woman who went to an HBCU, cut off her relaxed hair, took every African studies course available and “sported an ankh every chance I got”. She graduates and begins working in the corporate world only to find herself falling for a white co-worker. Initially she keeps it quiet, but as they’re affections continue to grow for one another it’s eventually made public where her heart lies.

She goes on the talk about various aspects of the relationship that did prove hard for her at one time or another. One instance that really hits home for me is when she’d want to talk to her man about what she calls “exotic otherness” at work. In my opinion these are times when things said/done at work could be taking as racially sensitive, and which do affect colored people throughout their career. When attempting to talk about her man would simply brush it off, stating she was “over-reacting” when we personally know that what was stated was a valid argument or conclusion made. Its happened so many times that I honestly don’t even feel comfortable bringing it up anymore, similar situation to the writer. It sucks because sometimes you can be made to feel as if your whining (and with my own mental wellness sometimes my attitude had nothing to do with race, thus making it hard possibly for my man to determine whether or not they are legitimate issues, which is understandable). Whats more is recently a discussion was brought up with my man’s family regarding the plethora of killings of black men that’s happened lately. There was one man in particular (can’t remember the name) that was simply sitting on his door step minding his business when he was approached by a gang of cops reportedly responding to a call of disturbance. The black man was met with guns pointed directly at him, with a call to have his hands up. The man for whatever reason decides to reach into his pocket and it met with a load of bullets being placed into his body. It’s determined after the shooting that the pocket he was reaching into had his ID that showed he was sitting on the steps of his own home. Slightly upset I made a comment that he should have known better, that he’s a black man in up-state NY (check me on that one) and that he had to have been aware. I was surprisingly met with a forceful reply from my man’s mother that it in fact had nothing to do with his race and that he should have been wise enough to listen to the policeman like any human should. Now while I do agree with these terms, I couldn’t help but think to myself: yes, but had it be you or even your son, I’m not sure he would have been met IMMEDIATELY with the same tactics that this young man was met with. Even though this example is simple in and of itself, it brings up a harder discussion that I feel in certain topics can go both ways: Is it about race or is it about humanity? Theses types of issues within interracial relationships are common I’m sure, yet there still needs to be dialogue on how to correct them. I’m honestly not even sure where to begin with that one really.

Another issue brought up that hits home deals with the ingratiation of family and friends. I feel that for a majority of interracial relationships the colored person is more or less accepted, it just takes longer periods of time to get comfortable. Dumb comments are usually made, and it takes that colored person being the bigger of the group and ignoring it most times (unless your one of those who likes to correct it right there, and by all means, correct.) But it does (hurt?) slightly and can cause some ruffling of feathers because your wm might not know how to address it. These situations can make you question the relationship early on but talking about it can help to smooth things over.

Dealing with friends in itself is interesting. Personally part of me gets kinda upset because I’ve made it a point to go and hang out, visit and do things they found entertaining. And they have been. Yet when we’ve attempted to introduce them to something we find enjoyable (that happens to be on a more ethnic side of town) it seems they are instantly tired from a long day or too busy to make it. I know its not their responsibility to hang out with me bc I’m not technically their friend, but it still pokes at me just the same.

This article was interesting to me though, and only touches on a few situations that occur within interracial relationships. What are your thoughts on it? What are some other situations that you’ve faced being in an interracial relationship?

Another issue


My poor boyfriend.

For the past three years I’ve been so caught up in my own sadness that I’ve put my boyfriend on eggshells and made it hard for him to get off. I’ve been clingy, judgemental, all the things Ive wanted to change from past relationships. I’m sure he’s talked about it with his friends, and I can’t really do anything about that one. I’m a work in progress of course, so I’m trying not to be hard on myself. Taking a blind leap of faith and trying out a me that I want to be. Time.


So I’m just sitting here with mu man and his friends, trying to care. I don’t think it’s that bad really, it’s just kinda awkward being around people who I just don’t fully mesh with?…Hm

That’s unfair. They aren’t bad people, we just come from different worlds. This isn’t bad. I’m ok.

Week #1

Let me be clear.

I’ve come to realize that my split from mj is more emotional than physical. It has been interesting, but I feel a chemical shift happening in my brain and it’s a good thing. I’ve been actively controlling my emotions and giving myself good talk. I’ve had maybe one and a half bad days, but was finally able to deal with it. I’ve begun to speak to someone, but I think this may be temporary(not sure what that means). I am hopeful.

Ups and downs

So today is day 4. I’ve been doing okay. I have had a drink or two and smoked a black here or there, but only in social settings. I was feeling strong until today. Especially when I’ve done so well. I’ve completed my homework, exercised, hung out with the family. Reward time yes? *sigh*. I almost want to call my guy up. I’d have time if I left now…..

(P.S. Didn’t do it. Ate takis with vanilla coke and went to bed)

Jdjdudbjsgqgsbdhf. That’s how I feel right now.